a good hurt | personal

i'm sitting on my couch writing. because mike and axle are both cuddled up there, not in the loft. because there is a fire going. because we made a whole foods run, threw in some movies, opened a bottle of wine, and didn't move all day. because my office chair is hard and uncomfortable, and right now i hurt all over. and i'm thinking about this year, and these past few months, and last night.

i hurt all over. not that oh i slept in the wrong position hurt. in fact, last night i slept like a baby because i was so exhausted and i knew i could wake up the next morning with absolutely nothing to do. nothing. the hurt is more the i crawled on the floor, bent and squatted and twisted my body for 8 hours kind of hurt. i have my wonderful friend and mentor John Yao (who i mentioned briefly in this post) to thank for that--for the wonderful and amazing opportunity of shooting my first wedding. i have no doubt that my own talent and desire to succeed as a photographer will get me farther than i could have ever hoped. but it's friends like John, who have been willing to take a risk and stick out their neck (and dedicate their time), who have given me opportunities to be better than i could ever have imagined, who (gently) point out my failures and still remind me not to be so hard on myself.

my settings were off--a lot. my pictures? not exactly my best work. but i learned. ohgoodness did i ever learn. i learned what my camera CAN and CANNOT do. i cemented what i already knew--practice makes perfect and i want and need to do it more.

words can't begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions i have endured over the past 48 hours. if i didn't drive poor mike crazy with my pre wedding checklist, i certainly hit it out of the park by begging him to relive every detail of the wedding (including stumbling to my bag to grab my camera) while we lay in bed this morning, halfway between sleep and pretending to be awake. needless to say, i am mentally and physically exhausted. i feel like the last four months have been a marathon, and last night was the final mile. at least for this year. that being said, i feel like it was also a turning point. my love for what i do just grew--10 fold. i left smiling last night, knowing i took some god-aweful-shots and that i nailed a few that stopped me in my tracks and made me say yougogirl. and it kept me wanting more. and it makes all the stress, sleepless nights, mental burnout, and physical pain i feel today, a good hurt.

while the quality of this picture makes me literally cringe, there is nothing sweeter than mom and son dancing. i have a thing with shots of feet, and these were so perfectly mismatched, i loved it.

THE BIG GUY | CHRISTMAS

i landed the biggest job of my life. i couldn't believe it. this was it--the turning point of my photographic career. i was stunned. a star. i was going to be shooting a STAR! when jess first emailed me and asked me to photograph their holiday party a few weeks ago, so many thoughts were flying through my head. am i ready for this? what should i wear? have i been good this year? i wonder if he will bring his sleigh? maybe Rudolph and i can hangout and drink some nog. i better get my list in order. and bake a couple dozen cookies. that's right, folks. i was going to meet the big guy. SANTA. :)

the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, and the kitchen was oozing with wonderful smells. the tree stood proud in a corner, glistening and glowing, while the sound of bells echoed throughout each room. each berry and chocolate and light was in place, and as the guests entered in, children's laughter rang loud and clear. little did they know, he was coming--making a surprise appearance!

Christmas holds wonderful nostalgic memories for me that i look forward to all year. jess and brad started creating these same wonderful memories for their family and friends by hosting a holiday party featuring the man in red himself. there were tons of great memories made that night, and the looks on the kids faces were priceless, but here are a few of my favorite editorial style pics of the night. and i know you were wondering... Rudolph preferred a good glass of Riesling, and Santa loves my baking.

LINDA+LANCE | ENGAGED

They met in college. And from the beginning, she knew he was someone special. But they were just "friends". Over the years, their friendship grew, and found a way to last through distance and silence. It's a funny thing, friendship. It has a funny way of allowing us to truly know the essence of a person. It's not complicated, or over thought, or meticulously planned. You can put it down, walk away, and one day pick right up where you left off. For Linda and Lance, that's just what happened. Only when they picked back up, they found a love that had been churning for sometime.

From the beginning, she knew he was someone special. I knew it when he first emailed me. He was going to propose. He couldn't wait to marry his best friend. And he wanted ME to capture that love as quickly as possible.

Maybe it was the way he looked at her, with a sparkle in his eye like a child opening presents on Christmas morning. Or maybe it was her laugh as he whispered something in her ear. But I fell in love with their love. It's tangible, warm, and comforting. I feel so honored and thrilled to photograph their wedding. Downtown was the perfect backdrop for this couple, who would just ooze love wherever we were.

happy december :)

whew! i can't believe we are into december! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! it's been a whirlwind of a few weeks (yes, my last post was in october. i'm sorry). my classes are winding down, sessions are slowing, and we got our first snow today! on the photography front, i'm ecstatic about all the wonderful opportunities that are coming up! a wonderful photo friend of mine, John Yao of Noah Joy Photography, has been an awesome mentor--if you are getting married, need a photographer, and haven't scheduled yet...CALL HIM. he's fabulous and you won't regret it. santa came early with a new lens that i have been dying over (love prime lenses) and some lovely little lessons with a flash gave me the above image that i'm thrilled about. i had a fantastic engagement session a few weeks ago and sneak peeks will be coming, with many others to follow. so much else is going on, but i'm short on time today, so for now just enjoy the updated blog look and stay posted for more to come :)

a diamond in the rough

years before a diamond is shiny, sparkling, and brilliant, it starts off rough and ugly. it's nothing more than a piece of rock that wouldn't be given a second look. {i guarantee, no desperate housewife would ever beg her husband for a 10 carat ugly rock.} but in it's own time, in the right circumstances, it's true beauty is exposed and desired.

there are moments in time when we feel on top of our game, like we're sparkling and shiny. today was not one of those days. today i felt covered in mud, up to my eyeballs. today i felt like i was the new kid on the first day of school with the coke bottle glasses and mary janes. today was one of those stark realizations of knowing i was not where i wanted to be, and i didn't know how to get there. today, i was a rock. an ugly, throw me to the curb, rock. 

one of a photographers worst characteristics is self doubt and criticism. it's like a death sentence. once you get that first little twinge of uncertainty, it's all down hill from there. if you know me, you know i'm a perfectionist. i hold myself to ridiculously high, unrealistic standards. i never do anything small. it's all or nothing, otherwise it's not worth doing. and heaven forbid i start to second guess--i walk away, i give up, and sit myself on the bench until i can regroup or decide to pack up my things and go home. right now, i'm calling a time out. before i sink--like a rock.

years before a diamond is shiny, sparkling, and brilliant, it starts off rough and ugly. today, i was a rock. today, i was rough and ugly. time and patience, and maybe i'll find a diamond one day.

soup could do my body good

weeks of running myself ragged have finally caught up with me. i'm burnout, worn out, and have managed to earn a nice little head cold to go with all that :) i'm playing a little catch up with life today, and decided that the cold weather was a good reason to cook up something for my patient husband who currently believes i am only a figment of his imagination. this is epic, because really, i like to cook but i'm not that great at it. after all, this is the girl who tried to cook her first thanksgiving dinner last year and realized the night before the big day that the 6lb "turkey" she though she bought was actually just bone in turkey breasts. after he got over his devastation that we would not be having any dark meat, my husband laughed hysterically knowing that is just typical me. (for those of you wondering what REALLY is wrong with that whole picture....turkey's don't come in 6lb sizes. joke was on me!). at the request of a friend, i'm posting my favorite chicken tortilla soup recipe that is one of my go-to fall/winter dishes. it's currently warming up in my lovely, can't screw anything up crockpot. i serve it up with a few tortilla chips, shredded cheese, lime slices, and cilantro--enjoy!

ingredients

3-4 frozen chicken breasts

1 diced onion

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can kidney beans

1 can black beans

1 can whole corn

1 small can green chilis

1 beer {i use corona. there is something wrong with the idea of using an american beer in a mexican dish :)}

1 packet of taco mix, OR a random arrangement of spices (chili powder, cumin, etc)

throw it all in a crockpot for 6 hours on low. after 6 hours, remove chicken, shred with a fork, and return to crockpot for an additional 2 hours on low. note: i've also used chicken broth instead of beer and that works well too. it's a great recipe to mess around with and make it your own!

like mother, like daughter | sneak peek

i'm not sure if it was her sparkling blue eyes, her turquoise checked pea coat, or the fact that she grabbed my hand within 5 seconds of meeting her and treated me like her big sister, but from the moment i met this little gem i was in "love"! regardless, this little spitfire gave me and her mom MANY laughs with her, what i will officially term, "alex-isms". mom and daughter have such a special connection and i felt honored to be able to capture it on film. see more of their sneak peek below :)

autumn love

i had the day off today (sort of), which doesn't happen much anymore. between studying, working, shooting, and editing, life it a little bit crazy. in fact, the first 2 things in that list have pretty much taken priority over everything lately. so after hours of studying, cleaning, grocery shopping, and all the mundane activities that keep my world rolling, i grabbed my camera (and Axle!) and headed out for a quick break from all the nonsense.

while i hate to see summer go, i love this time of year. everything smells like pumpkin and spice, hot apple cider, and warm vanilla. and then there are the chilly nights spent huddled around our crackling fire pit. all the burning bushes are changing to that deep shade of red, and right now the trees in our front yard are a buttery golden color. today was unseasonable warm, but was a gentle reminder that summer isn't too far gone just yet. i've got a bunch of shoots coming up in the next few weeks so here's to hoping that the beautiful weather sticks!

IT'S OFFICIAL!

it's up and ready to roll! I could not be more excited about my new site! Huge thank you to all my family and friends for their love and support! more galleries to come :)

barns, barefeet, and benny :)

it looked like rain this morning. for a brief second, i frowned, until i inched closer to the window and saw the sun just starting to peek up in the distance. i yawned, i stretched, and i got ready. first stop, an old brick house and barn. this is where we would pick up after a long time.

i hadn't seen her in years, but her familiar face reminded me fondly of college days, residence halls, and a lifetime of memories. while finishing my undergrad, i served as a resident advisor. that's where i met Krystyne and her husband Bernie--only the best hall directors around, of course. :) now, mom and dad of two little guys, i had the opportunity to work with them in another capacity...

truly all gems, and full of so much love for each other. anthony and benny are some of the funniest kids i have ever met. and if you could even read a bit of krystyne's personal blog, you would understand even more. these guys were troopers today. let's just say that we had to talk the boys out of trying to unlock all locked doors...multiple times. and i'm pretty sure i worked off 10 lbs chasing benny around trying to get a smile out of him. thank you, thank you, thank you to my wonderful friends for the opportunity to capture your beautiful connections. check out their sneak peek below :)

if you are interested in booking a fall session, 

i still have spots available :) contact me for more information.

out with the old | in with the new

i love fall. it's crisp, cool, and full of enough warmth to remind me summer isn't gone yet. last night my husband and i caught up on our dvr as a huge harvest moon was shining through our open windows. this week has been awful, but today has brought some newness that has made it all worth it. i'm saving all the goodies for my next big post, but in the meantime i had to share a straight out of the camera (SOOC) shot taken with my new lens :) i am in love. still playing with focus/function a bit, but couldn't wait to bust this baby out! have a shoot this weekend with an amazing friend and her family....can't wait! stay posted, more pics soon to come!

coming unglued

he's got this cool, calm, collected, This-is-what-we're-gonna-do way about him. he's reasonable, and forward thinking. he sees the big picture. except today, when i presented him with a proposal about where i want to take my business and the fact that i wanted to invest in a new lens (or 3). that's when the cool, calm, collected man i call my loving, wonderful husband came a little...unglued.

please do not misinterpret: he supports everything i set my mind to, with an undying love and affection that i may not always deserve. however, as i have been famed to do, he was caught off guard. somewhere between a mid-day stop at home for lunch, my sugary sweet voice, and his next bite of an egg sandwich, i struck a cord with the reasonable man that i love--the one that pulls me back from the edge right before my compulsive, ask-forgiveness-later self blazes a trail with my mastercard in tow, all the way to the local photography shop to buy them out. THAT man is the one that came unglued.   

when i really want to do something, when i REALLY put my mind to it, i'm pretty much unstoppable. i will pick away at every detail and labor over a project until it is perfect--or at least satisfactory. but this time, i didn't push. i could see his frustration. i'm going back to school, we're saving for a house, and planning for my loans, and there's that vacation that we have been putting off since we got married...3 1/2 years ago. and then there's my new camera that we just bought, and i swore i wouldn't ask for anything for a while...and then i realized that the lens that came with my camera was crap. but, i didn't push. he gives and gives and gives. 

he left to get back to his daily responsibilities...and i sulked. let's be honest, i like to get my way. but i dropped it, and expected to not talk about it for a long time. i called and rented what i needed for my upcoming shoot. i would just make it work. i went to the grocery, did some laundry, bought books for the start of classes, and watched a little bravo (love!)...hours later, the garage door opens. the silence is audible. i ask how his day was, and he strolls over to me and envelopes me in his strong, affectionate arms. "how much is it?" i tell him all i want is one. and i will work overtime. and i will use it and care for it like it were my first born. "we'll make it work". and i know he means it. because he loves me, supports me, and understands the importance of a dream.

on another note, speaking of dreams...i stumbled across this photo today (which is EPIC!) while i was cleaning old files off my computer... it reminded me of my dreams that have come true...marrying my husband, having a loving family, a wonderful home, and the cutest pup ever. this photo is EPIC for several reasons, and i just had to share. 1. it was literally taken during the last vacation we took together alone (as mentioned above), our honeymoon!  2. yes, we are in vegas. yes, we are at hooters. and YES it was at my request because i-love-their-wings. classy? no. delicious? yes. 3. massive inspiration for both of us to get back into shape. lens or no lens, i love my husband and my life. thank God for both :)

lessons learned

it started off with just a few scattered stepping stones. each day more fall into place in the form of inspiration, words of wisdom, innovators, and learning opportunities. now, i'm starting to see a small path develop in front of me paved with support, knowledge, experience, and encouragement. and each lesson along the path is like a crash course in learning how to fall the right way...here are a few i learned this week.

LESSON 1 | practice makes perfect ::: my recent shoot has given me much to study, dissect, and critique. there are of course composition, lighting, focusing, and many other issues that have room for improvement. for all the wonderful feedback i have received, i've learned so much that has given me a basis to grow from. i like portrait photography. it's my "thing" and it's where i want my focus to remain. that being said, while my photos from this past weekend made me very pleased (and exceeded my expectations of my grossly amateur ability), the essence of what i really WANTED to capture is mostly missing. the eyes! the old corny "window to the soul" kind of thing--the feeling that the subject might actually reach beyond the corners of the image and touch you. that being said, my focus right now is all about "shiny eyes" as discussed here in the amazing and wonderful blog of Katelyn James. so it's back to practice, practice, practice. set a stone in place, mark it with a sign, and move on down the path...

...and a new lens or 2 wouldn't help (santa if you're listening, i've been a good girl this year, and i wouldn't mind an early present or five) :) 

LESSON 2 | slow and steady ::: this is going to be a LONG road. for those of you who stick around and watch, sometimes feeling like it may be a slow motion car crash, i appreciate it more than words can ever express. this isn't some huge revelation that i just had, but while i took 1 step forward i also feel like i took 10 back because the gravity of where i want to be is that much more apparent. it's like i'm standing at the end of a checkout line to just get a pack of gum with 20 people in front of me with 100 items. it feels like FOREVER. but i know, slowly and surely, i will get to a place where i will feel proud, and skilled, and GASP--accomplished.

maybe the most important lesson is knowing that there isn't really an end to the path. all that matters is that you stop along the way to take it all in...

a walk in the park

it was a beautiful late summer morning--the type that brings the warmth of the sun and the crisp coolness of fall. and it was early. read my lips. i am not a morning person. however, on this particular morning, i bounded out of bed, down the stairs, and to my shoot 45 minutes early. i was beyond excited, a bag of nerves, and honestly wanted to throw up...my first shoot ever. the setting? a local park with plenty of character and great shooting opportunities. the light was perfect, giving off a warm honey glow. i checked and rechecked my camera and settings. i was ready. 

the glow of her eyes, the fairness of her skin, and her beautiful smile spoke for themselves. i swear this little lady could be a magazine cover model! i can't express enough thanks to my friend Kelli who gave me the wonderful opportunity of shooting her adorable one year old daughter, Riley. from the first click of the shutter, we were laughing, running, chasing, and making weird and funny noises to keep her attention. we had an amazing couple of hours and i couldn't be more pleased with the results! here are a few teasers for now--look for the final cut soon!

(i love this shot, especially knowing what it took to get it! we were standing on a bridge overlooking a pond. i was trying to distract her by drawing her attention to the ducks that were floating on the water. instead of looking through the railing, she decided to lay down and look underneath. note to self...invest in knee pads!)

the pigeons will not win! | redefining a designer

this morning i had the pleasure of catching up on emily's blog over at Timeless Paper, a wonderfully amazing blog that features her work, her home, and her favorite things with a super modern, creative, and classic flare. i had some time to rummage through her old archived posts that i hadn't read and had to laugh out loud when i found this little ditty of a chart. (image at left..click the link to appreciate it in it's fullest!) a little backstory to put it in perspective...

i had called off sick the day before, but shuffled into the office on a grey february thursday morning in 2009. i knew it was d-day. the writing was on the wall (and a helpful tip from a friend the day before clued me in to what was coming). i had spent the last 7 years of my life studying, working, drawing, slaving over design and every detail and aspect that was my life as a designer. i had allowed myself and my work to be critiqued and torn apart in every which way, fighting for my own voice. i was, and had been, mentally and physically done with it for at least six months prior. i had other plans to tend to, and another future i was looking forward to taking on with full force. but i was still angry and scared and sad. there i sat, knowing many others would be in the same spot that day, being handed a very "legally composed" form letter about how my dedication to the company was appreciated and my position was being terminated. whatever. it is what it is.

my break from the corporate world was ultimately met with excitement on my end, while my husband put on his best supportive grin, grabbed a bottle of bourbon, and made plans to live in a shack down by the river. ok, so not really, but what the heck were we gonna do? i ended up following two paths, which has still left me straddling two worlds {the clinical and the creative}. my desire to find a profession in which i could contribute to something greater than myself drove me to a long pondered role as a nurse--an interest i'd held a long time, but never thought i had the stomach. but the designer in me has always lingered--experimenting, working, trying to follow that true passion that burns in my gut.

there was a point where i felt like i lost my creativeness--like i left it on a park bench somewhere with a PBJ to be devoured by pigeons. my recent redevotion to who i am, what i think defines ME, has left me drunk with my love for design and art again. i can't stop reading, thinking, or dreaming about it and it makes me happy again...gives me hope that one day i will get to where i want to be. in the meantime, thanks for sharing this emily--made me remember where i've been and where i want to go :)   

well behaved women rarely make history

if the brownies on my counter weren't a sign of the times, then my inability to fit into my favorite jeans was. after a long day of finally spending some quality time with my canon, there was nothing more on my mind than continued frustration. welcome ladies and gentlemen to a pity party for one. no really, it was a little pathetic. i stomped, threw my lens cap on, and sat my camera in the corner today. it, and i, needed a time out.

i consider myself a very intelligent individual. however, the switch from a manual to a digital SLR is throwing me for a loop. the realization that i can sit here forever and be frustrated, or i can ask for help, became very apparent today. as i mentioned in a previous post, i have my favorite photographers that i follow, either because their style rocks my socks or they are a wealth of information--or both. i'm not trying to sound cliche here, but the Lord really does work in mysterious ways, so it's no small coincidence that i happened to stumble upon an amazing photographer who also lives within a 2 hour drive. i've been totally engulfed by her site (the "her" I will share at a later date with "her" permission!). i don't know her from adam, except through her blog, but i felt compelled that i could learn something from her. enter stage left--my nerves of steel.

my fingers were literally shaking when i was typing. hi, my name is...here is my story...can i borrow your time? that was the gist. i was rambling--if you couldn't tell, it's a bad habit. i like to think i am concise, but i have too much to say. and then i did it. I HIT SEND. i had reached out to a total stranger and asked, maybe even begged, for help. maybe it was too forward, maybe unorthodox, but i had done it. i was honestly expecting a polite, but delicately formed "No", yet as my eyes danced across the screen hours later, her email was filled with a pleasantness that was comforting and welcoming. so, one foot in front of the other, here we go--meeting date in progress and the anticipation is already killing me. but, it gives me something to work toward and a reason to keep going.

i could have sat around and ate brownies all day. instead i realized the bigger picture and took control of my future. after all, what good is chasing a dream if you are too busy sitting on your hands.

Skinny Jeans: 1 | Brownies: 0

 

is this thing ON?

One word can pretty much describe my current state of mind. OVERWHELMED. Somewhere between a 2 hour friday night road trip to see the family unit in cincinnati and delicious saturday morning pancakes, I think I had a bit of a silent melt down about all the things rolling around in my head. As if nursing school, a full time job, and life in general wasn't enough, my right sided brain can't help but get caught up in a creative frenzy. 

Case in point--Mike's favorite thing in the whole world (besides me, of course), is his love of racing--cars that is. This weekend his focus was on Indy cars. All it took was him asking me to bring my new camera and catch some pics to send me back into my shell, full of excuses about how I don't know how to use this setting, or I can't figure out how to change that function. Blah, Blah, Blah. There I was like a deer in the headlights, paralyzed by my own fear of a piece of very expensive equipment that I had begged for. 

HELLO...opportunity knocking? Practice girlfriend, that's the only way you are gonna figure it out. At least that is what was going through my head. Needless to say, my feelings of being overwhelmed comes from this huge desire I have to be perfect, and I'm learning it ain't gonna happen right out of the gate. I have so much to learn, so much I want to try and do and experiment...I don't know where to start. So I'm taking suggestions. 

I did jump head first and asked a girlfriend of mine if she and her fiance would be kind enough to be my models for a day...right now I'm busy preplanning. But all the planning in the world won't do me any good if I'm afraid to even pick up my camera and shoot. I'm having nightmares about getting to the shoot and not even being able to find the on switch. It's not pretty. Like the whole standing in front of a crowd in your underwear kind of fear. For now I will just hide behind my freakishly large sunglasses, a smirk, and tell Mike to be prepared with an extra large glass of vino.